Friday, April 17, 2015
We Can't Stop ...
I love this "We Can't Stop...Having Babies" Miley Cyrus parody so much. I actually had to look up the original after I saw the parody and it makes a lot more sense as a baby/kid song.
"To my girls with the big bump // Growing it over and over again // Remember only God can judge ya'
Can't you see it's we who'll be up all night // Can't you see it's wee who love this life."
I have been an emotional wreck all week since Lakshman got back from the hospital. We were there for five days and running on adrenaline the whole time. To say we crashed when we got back home is an understatement.
He was there for failure to thrive and feeding difficulties. Is there a more chiding, blamey diagnosis possible? Turns out, yes.
It used to be called maternal deprivation.
That's okay because it is basically putting into words everything I've been feeling. And what everyone else seems to be thinking too.
I know people want to be helpful. But it feels like most people seem to think we aren't feeding him. Or haven't tried. Or haven't tried sweets or avocado, or whatever food worked for their kid. Their kid. Not mine. (Seriously, I have heard from a lot of people about this. He can't eat mushy stuff!)
Of course, this is completely unfair because so many people have rushed in to be with us and offered to help with the older kids, but when you are already judging yourself so harshly - it's easy to think that everyone else is too.
The mental anguish keeps trickling in. It was our choice to have a third child. We already had a boy and girl, one of each is all you need right? Especially when we can't even take care of the baby? And, at the most basic level - feeding - at that?
I feel like I am fending off CPS when I try telling friends and family about his diagnoses. Like, "hey, trust us. He is having problems. It's not just us. Really! We love him and take care of him as best as possible." I'm not even sure most of them believe us.
How do I tell everyone that I spend every waking minute with him? He has been my life for over a year now.
That's why I have this song on repeat right now. I'm his mother. I have his best interest at heart. I love him more than you can ever know. I am trying my best. I am getting him treatment. He is growing, even if he is still failing the growth curve.
We can do what we want, grow who we want, love who we want!