Falling down hard.

I found this series of pictures on Ryan's phone yesterday.  It struck me as kinda funny because I had no idea these pictures were taken.  I realize that maybe Nandini grabbed the camera and took half of these. Yes, that is the hem of my skirt on the ground there.  And her finger over the lens.

The last thing that happened to me before we left Disneyland was I fell flat and landed on the back of my head.  It was like being rudely pushed out of this hazy dream of characters, rides and a big pink castle, down onto the harsh reality of solid concrete. 

I fell even harder the next day. I went to see my Ob's NP because of some bleeding.  We hoped it was only spotting, but it wasn't.  She calmly delivered the news that the sac was empty.  No heartbeat, nothing. The baby was gone. 

She printed out a picture from the ultrasound machine.  I instinctively reached out for it, but as she quietly put it away in the chart I realized there was only one copy and it wasn't for me.  I felt so stupid. 

We were only 8 weeks along and had hardly told anyone yet.  We had only known ourselves for about 3 weeks. I even felt stupid for coming in at all.  For wasting her time on a baby that wasn't even there anymore. She still wants to do more bloodwork and another ultrasound to be sure, but I know it is all pointless.

Life keeps going of course, especially when you have two littles who need taking care of and don't really understand what's going on anyway.  I called a few people, left vague messages to call me back.  A few people texted me to see what was wrong.  Ryan was amazing throughout.  I was so happy last week because he really made me feel taken care of on my birthday, and he did it again this week. 

Even though it was so new and so early, it is hard not to start making plans.  We rented a house in Austin with a 4th bedroom.  We bought a little onesie set at Target, so the baby could have something new.  I started writing about it in my Project Life album.  I thought about going back and taking it out or covering it with pictures, but I don't want to pretend.  Not sure how or if I will document this loss, but I don't want to act like the baby never existed at all.  We already loved it and were so excited. 

Visiting California, seeing our cousins and being at Disneyland was so magical. Being back home is just like slamming into reality all over again.  It is hard to think about that while we there, having fun, the baby was dying, or was already gone.  I just don't know if I will ever know how to feel about that.