Friday, April 26, 2013

Falling down hard.

I found this series of pictures on Ryan's phone yesterday.  It struck me as kinda funny because I had no idea these pictures were taken.  I realize that maybe Nandini grabbed the camera and took half of these. Yes, that is the hem of my skirt on the ground there.  And her finger over the lens.

The last thing that happened to me before we left Disneyland was I fell flat and landed on the back of my head.  It was like being rudely pushed out of this hazy dream of characters, rides and a big pink castle, down onto the harsh reality of solid concrete. 

I fell even harder the next day. I went to see my Ob's NP because of some bleeding.  We hoped it was only spotting, but it wasn't.  She calmly delivered the news that the sac was empty.  No heartbeat, nothing. The baby was gone. 

She printed out a picture from the ultrasound machine.  I instinctively reached out for it, but as she quietly put it away in the chart I realized there was only one copy and it wasn't for me.  I felt so stupid. 

We were only 8 weeks along and had hardly told anyone yet.  We had only known ourselves for about 3 weeks. I even felt stupid for coming in at all.  For wasting her time on a baby that wasn't even there anymore. She still wants to do more bloodwork and another ultrasound to be sure, but I know it is all pointless.

Life keeps going of course, especially when you have two littles who need taking care of and don't really understand what's going on anyway.  I called a few people, left vague messages to call me back.  A few people texted me to see what was wrong.  Ryan was amazing throughout.  I was so happy last week because he really made me feel taken care of on my birthday, and he did it again this week. 

Even though it was so new and so early, it is hard not to start making plans.  We rented a house in Austin with a 4th bedroom.  We bought a little onesie set at Target, so the baby could have something new.  I started writing about it in my Project Life album.  I thought about going back and taking it out or covering it with pictures, but I don't want to pretend.  Not sure how or if I will document this loss, but I don't want to act like the baby never existed at all.  We already loved it and were so excited. 


Visiting California, seeing our cousins and being at Disneyland was so magical. Being back home is just like slamming into reality all over again.  It is hard to think about that while we there, having fun, the baby was dying, or was already gone.  I just don't know if I will ever know how to feel about that.

19 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I hope you are doing better. Sometimes things happen for a reason and it's completely out of our hands. At least you have still been blessed with two beautiful children and a wonderful husband. Time will make things better..know that my thoughts and prayers are with you..xoxo hugs

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    1. Thank you so much. I think I do need to start counting my blessings out loud.

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  2. I am so sorry for your loss. I don't have the words to say sorry enough. <3

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  3. I had been a silent visitor to your blog so far. Love your project life posts. I am very sorry for your loss. I pray and hope that you get the strength and support to overcome these tough days.

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    1. I appreciate the support. Thanks Priya, nice to know you are a visitor here too.

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  4. stopping by via Kelly's Korner. So sorry for your loss.

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  5. I'm so sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself.

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  6. So sorry to hear your news. Hope you are doing as well as you can be. Happy thoughts coming your way from me.

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  7. I am so sorry for you loss. It's hard to wrap a loss like that into words. Perhaps you should include this post in your Project Life? I think you summed it up well. Hold your sweet babies close and heal. Sending love and happy thoughts your way.

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  8. Giant hugs! I'm so sorry. I wish I had some wisdom or anything to offer you but all I have are good thoughts for you.

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  9. I am truly so sorry for you.
    Your words are beautiful.
    I wish you a lot of courage and I'm thinking of you...

    Hugs~

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  10. So, so very sorry for your loss. I lost our third child at 11 weeks. I was in the same sort of fugue for a long time - I hadn't really gotten used to the idea that I was pregnant and the baby was gone. I couldn't figure out how to feel.
    Embrace the grief - let go of any guilt you may feel - and let the healing begin. Hugs to you.

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  11. oh sweetie! I am getting caught up on blogs and just seeing this. I am SO So sorry! HUGE hugs and love to you!!!!!

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  12. I have visited your blog before, but didnt save it, and lost you:(
    Then, just tonite, I found you again and did a little happy dance...
    I went thru your most recent posts smiling at your creativity and the beauty of your family...
    I came across this post & although I don't have the right words as you find your way to healing,
    I wanted to simply say, "This too shall pass..."
    {{{{hugs}}}}

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  13. Hi. I just found your blog through Kelly's Korner and was reading through your posts about your beautiful family. There are no words to help ease the pain, but trust that the pain will ease. A friend told me that she didn't know how I was feeling when I had my first miscarriage, but she remembered how she felt with both of hers. I don't know how you feel, but I remember how I felt and my heart breaks for your loss.

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  14. Oh man, I don't know how I missed this. So sorry to hear this, and hugs.

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