Wednesday, September 14, 2011

blog your heart

{for Stephanie Howell's challenge}
i worry

I worry alot, more than I need to. It keeps me up at night.

I worry about Nandini and listen for her breath. I often have to resist the urge to poke her or jostle her crib (which is still right next to my bed). I want her to sleep through the night (and me) but I worry when she does.

I worry that I did something wrong. Avinash was totally sweet and loving, but has turned into a jealous Jealousy Jealousypants overnight. His latest thing? "Don't touch my toys EVER again!" Followed by a smug little smile. I thought that was bed, then he started hitting her gratuitously, but always follows it up with a saccharine little "I'm sorry." Sigh.

I worry that I'm not paying enough attention to one and then the other. That he watches too much TV, that I let her sleep too much.

I worried soo much when I found out molluscum was going around Avi's school, but no one is his 'grade' has it, so I forced myself to calm down. Seriously though, warts for 12-18 months? Gross.

I worry that I never know the right things to say or do for people. I never thought that I would still feel so insecure once I got to be this old (I'm thirty, eep, I still can hardly believe it. Yet being younger than that now feels foreign.)

I worry that I can never control myself and end up unloading every negative emotion I have on my husband.

I am trying to stay positive and be thankful. We did aarti last night again which helped. A nap after I got home from work today didn't hurt either.

I know that I need to try harder, because I have so much to be happy about. My babies are healthy and so beautiful. And hilarious.

And, I seem to have a few seemingly trivial things which fill me with joy.  Losing one or two pounds (the other way has the opposite effect, sad I know), Avinash eating a good dinner, seeing flashes of him growing up into a 'real boy' (ha!), Nandini laughing or just being preternaturally cute, and Ryan praising my cooking (why are so many of these food related??).  The list can also include going to Central Market and putting together a crafty scrapbook page.  I need to work on remembering more of the good things and expanding this list in my mind.

ps - Dancing around to Bollywood Music until we all collapse doesn't hurt either.






2 comments:

  1. i identify with so much of this. i think that all mothers feel so many of these same emotions. thank you so much for being brave and for taking the time to post this. xxo

    ReplyDelete
  2. thanks for the challenge stephanie. Hope you do this again.

    ReplyDelete

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